Riding an Emotional Rollercoaster!

There are times in life when you find yourself dealing with numerous emotions, and these emotions are colliding with each other, to the point where you find yourself unable to answer adequately the question, “How are you?” You wish you knew how you were, as you feel you are just in survival mode. If you were to ask me now, “How are you?” my answer to you would be, “I just am.” Today is the first time I have had in two and a half weeks to sit down and think, unpack, digest, internalize and express all that which has happened.

I feel as though I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster, and what makes a rollercoaster so scary is that you do not know what is going to happen next, or how you will feel when you get there. I must state at the outset, that although I feel as though I have been on a rollercoaster and have not known what is coming next, God in His grace has been in complete control. For He knows what lies ahead, and He has given me much grace so to be able to deal with all that which has occurred over this time.

Let me start at the beginning. Two and a half weeks ago, my wife and I were looking in on the hidden world of the womb; there our unborn daughter lay in perfect peace. Joy filled our hearts, in just 8 weeks time we would be holding her in our arms. In my mind, I praised the Lord. “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psa 139:13-16

I then travelled down to Johannesburg to attend the first two days of the Rezolution conference, and had the privilege to sit under the ministry of Paul Tripp and Rick Holland. Boy, oh boy, did God work on my soul over those two days; I was confronted with my own sinfulness, selfishness and idolatry. I did not walk out of those sessions, but crawl out pleading for forgiveness, and at the same time overloaded by the grace of God, that He still pours out His grace and favour on a sinner such as me. I knew I needed to make some drastic changes in my own life, and in the life of our family.

My wife and son joined me on Thursday evening, our hearts rejoiced as we were reunited. Friday morning we climbed aboard the plane and headed for George. Again, our hearts were joyful as we were on our way to the wedding of my wife’s brother.

What a beautiful day Saturday was, as a picture of Genesis 2 was painted, as the bride made her way down the aisle lead by her father. What joy was mine as I had the honour of presiding over the marriage ceremony, leading them in their vows and joining them in the sight of God in marriage. From the church, we travelled to the home of my parents-in-law for photographs with my mother-in-law. Mom was now bed ridden, cancer having worked its course through her body for the past 3 years. The joy and delight on mom’s face was truly memorable as the newly weds entered her room, her face was glowing; her son finally had found his soul mate. I was instructed by the photographer to stand next to bed so that I could have a photo with mom. I lay my hand on her arm, and she immediately grasped my hand, squeezed it tight, pulled me closer, and whispered in my in my ear, “Thank you.” Little did I know those would be some of her last words to me.

Sunday, was a day of mixed emotions, still filled with joy from the previous day, and yet deep sorrow in our hearts as we stood by mom’s bed, said good-bye and prayed together as a family for the last time. We boarded the plane and made our way home, joy mixed with sorrow.

Monday evening, 20h30, Joel was finally asleep, my wife and I sat on the couch exhausted from a busy weekend, the long journey and a day filled with unpacking, washing and cleaning. All we wanted to do was go to sleep. My wife looked at me with a glint in her eye that informed me a request was coming, “Ice-cream please!” With Paul Tripp’s words directed to husbands still ringing in my ears, I with joy went to get some ice cream for my wife and for myself of course! As I dished it out my cell phone rang, I answered it and heard my father-in-law’s voice, it was shaken, “Mom’s gone.” I walked through to the lounge, I held my wife and broke the news to her, and we sobbed from the core of our being. Through the tears we opened and repacked the suitcases we had just unpacked, put the now melted ice-cream back into the freezer, drove through the night to Johannesburg, and boarded the first flight back to George on Tuesday morning.

Thursday morning and I found myself standing in the exact same place in George Baptist Church as I had been standing on Saturday. What a conflict of emotions, on Saturday I was fighting back the tears of joy as marriage vows were exchanged, but on Thursday I was fighting back tears of sorrow and grief as I sought to make my way through the eulogy I had written without breaking down. On Saturday, Genesis 2 came to light in all its beauty and joy, on Thursday Genesis 3 came crashing into view, “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” Gen 3:19. Mom’s memorial service was truly remarkable, and rightly so, she was a remarkable woman. What made her remarkable was her love for Jesus, and her constant desire to know Him more, and this was true of mom even before her cancer diagnosis. She had left to us, her family, the best inheritance we could have ever asked from, the legacy of the Gospel, and the example of a life lived in faith upon the Saviour.

Sunday, as we stood in church singing songs of praise, tears streamed down our faces, 

“Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, 

Blessed be Your name…..You give and take away, You give and take away, 

My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name.” 

“I will glory in my Redeemer, who carries me on eagle's wings, He crowns my life with 

loving-kindness, His triumph song I'll ever sing. I will glory in my Redeemer, 

who waits for me at gates of gold, and when He calls me it will be paradise. 

His face forever to behold,  His face forever to behold, His face forever to behold!”

God was graciously comforting us, through these songs of praise and through the preaching of His Word.

Tuesday, was a day we were dreading, for it would be our final goodbye to mom. We made our way up the Swartberg Pass, mom’s wishes were to have her ashes scattered at the top of the pass. We climbed out of the car, I held in my hand “mom”, this woman who so many had loved, whom I loved, who I had hugged, laughed with, and cried with, now lay in my one hand, reduced to ashes. Sobering, my mind went to Psalm 90:12 and I prayed silently, “Teach me Lord to number my days, don’t let me waste my life in vain pursuits.”

Before we scattered mom’s ashes, we read from 1 Peter 1:1-9. We reflected on how mom had now received her promised inheritance, how she had valiantly held on in faith to the promises, goodness, love and sovereignty of God throughout her time of suffering. Her faith no longer would be tested, but had become sight; she had obtained the full salvation of her soul. For us, well we still had to complete our journey, we still had to hold on in faith and await our day, but what an example we had set for us to follow in the life of mom. We watched through the tears as mom’s ashes blew away in the wind, we then laid mom’s favourite flowers, sweet peas, in the crevice of a rock. My mind jumped to Moses, when God hid him in the crevice of a rock, to protect him as God revealed His glory. What a contrast, we see now in part; we see but glimpses of God’s glory and long to see more of it. Mom, however, has seen Him in all His radiance and fullness, and she will continue to see Him for all of eternity, she has heard that choir of angels declare the praises of God, to which she has added her voice. “In mansions of glory and endless delight, I’ll ever adore Thee, in heaven so bright; I’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow, “If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ‘tis now.”

As I now sit here in my office thinking through all that which has happened, I find myself amazed yet again by the grace of God, for He has been so visibly present in the midst of all the circumstances. I do not have the space and time to tell you of all the ways, means and areas in which God’s providence and sovereignty has been evident over this time. I wish I could express to you the many ways in which Christ has proved once again to be the Great Shepherd of our souls, all I can say is that I have come to understand Hebrews 13:20-21 on a much deeper level. “Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.”

God has graciously has given us peace and has equipped us in every situation. Not only this, but He has enabled us to see His goodness in all things, and given us more than enough reasons to glorify Him. We praise Him for the coming birth of our daughter, the creation of new life, for the joy of marriage, the creation of a new family, and for the hope that salvation brings in the midst of death, the entrance into the new creation where it shall be glory forever.

Furthermore, Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 15 have brought me much comfort and joy, “When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor 15:54-57. I so often hear people speak of how their loved ones, “lost their battle against cancer.” When I think about mom, I cannot say that, in fact I do not believe that she lost her battle against cancer. What did the cancer do? Sure, it caused her untold suffering and pain; it weakened her body, and caused her death at a young age. However, did it take away her hope, love, faith, joy, peace, assurance and spiritual strength? No! As the cancer increased and grew, so did all the above, in fact I would argue that they grew faster, greater and stronger than the cancer did. Cancer did its worst and ended mom’s earthly life, but now it can do no more, its power has ended, as mom breathed her last earthly breath, so the cancer in her breathed its last. At that moment mom was instantly filled with new life, and brought into a glorious eternity, given a new body. Mom’s battle against cancer was not one that she lost. No, for by God’s grace, through work of Christ, she defeated it, she is the victor, for she lives on and shall live on forever more in the presence of the Author of Life. She has gone from a life stained with sin, weakness, disease and death, to life immortal, clothed in holiness, and filled with the righteousness of Christ. How is that a losing battle? In the words of Paul, to be with the Lord is better by far!

What a truly amazing God we serve, He is the God of all comfort, the Good Shepherd, the Carer of our souls, the Giver of grace, the Fountain of hope, the Pillar of strength and the Tower of righteousness. We as a family have run unto to Him, we have cast ourselves on Him, and have not been disappointed, nor found Him wanting, but have found Him to be gentle, gracious and loving. To God be all the glory!

“But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord GOD I will come; I will remind them of your righteousness, yours alone. O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come. Your righteousness, O God, reaches the high heavens. You who have done great things, O God, who is like you? You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again; from the depths of the earth you will bring me up again. You will increase my greatness and comfort me again. I will also praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praises to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy, when I sing praises to you; my soul also, which you have redeemed.” Psa 71:14-23